How to fix the opening ceremony…

The Telegraph reckons that it has inside information on what’s going to be included in the top-secret opening ceremony of the Olympics.

A stage backdrop of hills, streams, meadows and a thatched cottage will evoke Britain’s rural past. The landscape will be dotted with live animals, including 12 horses, three cows, 70 sheep, three sheepdogs and a horse-drawn plough, along with milkmaids, picnicking families, an Edwardian village cricket team in flannels, caps and braces, and people dancing around maypoles.

At one end of the arena will be a recreation of Glastonbury Tor, with an oak tree on top and a festival “mosh pit” at its foot. At the other end will be a space for crowds recreating the Last Night of the Proms.

It gets better…

…a third “act” of the ceremony will look at the post-war transformation of Britain, with models of Big Ben and other London landmarks, and a parade of dancing nurses and ancillary staff pushing hospital beds to represent the NHS and the Welfare State.

Oh good. Can’t wait for the dancing nurses.

…alongside 12,000 dancers, drummers, skateboarders, acrobats, and actors dressed as British historical figures, such as Emmeline Pankhurst, the suffragette, and the Caribbean migrants who arrived on the Empire Windrush in 1948…

I hope Emmeline Pankhurst will actually be on a skateboard.

I was just thinking that this could be a national embarrassment for which even the BBC’s reporting of the Jubilee River Pageant was insufficient preparation, when I suddenly realised that they must have a secret plan, because there is one way in which this could all be saved, could be put in the right context, and could turn the whole thing into a most enjoyable evening’s entertainment:

Get Terry Wogan to do the commentary.

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1 Comment

Well, the historical background might be in the opening ceremony to help us foreigners understand the trajectory that brought the British Empire to have the Spice Girls are featuring in the closing.

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